Dearest Mark
by XaraYunn
Summary: I swore never to touch the ball again. To never put my needs before anyone else's. To walk down a path of nobility, a path to atone for my sins. And because of that, I hated your smile. The way your warm chocolate eyes sparkled with optimism as you said the words I always heard.


A/N: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! yes, here's to all the EnGo/GoEn fans out there! i was actually gonna post this on 10/1, but NOOOO it didn't happen, and i apparently didn't get to post this on 1/10 either :| anyway, it's FINALLY HERE! Thanks to all of you, and I hope you enjoy!

Dearest Mark,

Do you remember me?

Do you remember the sunset behind our backs as I kicked the ball for the first time in forever? Because I do.

I swore never to touch the ball again. To never put my needs before anyone else's. To walk down a path of nobility, a path to atone for my sins. And because of that, I hated your smile. The way your warm chocolate eyes sparkled with optimism as you said the words I always heard.

"Wow! You're so good at soccer! What school are you from?"

I walked away. I walked away like I walked away from soccer long ago.

"Hey, at least tell me your name!"

I never looked back.

Little did I know that we would meet again. On the same field, with the same hopes and dreams and resolve. I didn't imagine that you'd understand and give me my space. That you'd make me realize that soccer was worth fighting for.

Do you remember the sunset behind our backs as I left the team? Because I do.

I swore to leave. For my sister, for everyone's sakes. For a little while, just to protect the person I lost once and resolved to never lose again.

"Stop! Where are you going?"

I stopped. I turned, with tears in my eyes, and again, you understood.

"I'll be waiting until you come back, okay?"

But I never looked back.

Deep in my heart, I waited too. Waited for the day I'd come running back to you. It finally came, and until now, words cannot describe what I felt inside. I used to think that people who said you can't live without someone were quite stupid. At that time, I was completely stupid. And I still am.

Do you remember the sunset behind our backs as I kicked the ball for the thousandth time? Because I do.

My time was long up. My trip to Germany was long overdue. But I couldn't leave without saying goodbye. That was my parting gift-to send you to the Nationals.

Fate was just generous enough to let me stay.

We graduated, went our separate ways.

Do you remember the sunset behind our backs as I looked you in the eyes? Because I do.

Your eyes were warm and brown, comforting in every way possible. Those eyes are the ones that know me best. Those eyes are the ones that make me freeze and melt all at once.

"So you really are leaving?"

Your voice, sad behind that smile, was deeper than the first time we met. It just proved that we were growing up, weren't we?

"I'll be back someday."

I said those words. Until now I don't know why. But you do.

"I know."

With that, you hug me for the last time. It's gentle and tender unlike the excited hugs we have after a match.

I walked away. I walked away like I walked away from soccer long ago. I walked away like I walked away from you long ago.

But I never looked back.

Now, ten years later, I step out of the plane, my scarf billowing in the wind. I put on my shades, lest someone recognize me. It's great to be back home, and there are many things I have to be worried about.

But I'm only thinking of one.

As I drop my things off at my new residence, I escape the guards who were tasked to 'protect me'. Really, I don't need that.

As I walk down the streets, hands in the pocket of my red suit, necklaces dangling against my chest, I could feel something thumping against my beating heart. It's the pendant my sister gave me long ago. The pendant I wore as a lucky charm during our matches. The pendant that held many memories with you.

I keep my head down, face still framed by my locks of blonde. They're flat now, blue at the tips; surely, no one will recognize me. Then, my reminiscing stops as I see to my left a place full of memories.

The river bank. It never changed.

Do you remember the sunset behind our backs as we played soccer until the night?

Do you remember the mornings spent walking together sometimes on the way to school?

Do you remember the afternoons when I'd watch you swing your tire at the plaza as you'd talk on and on about your dreams?

Do you remember the night before our last match, the night I fell in love with you?

Because I do.

I descend the flight of stairs, and take a seat on the grass. I watch the river flow by slowly-as opposed to how time flies by so quickly. Then I think of all the times you chased after me, and all the times I walked away. I think of the times you were watching my back, as a captain, as a goalkeeper, as my best friend, and all the times I thought I was alone.

_"Promise to come back, okay?"_

_You nudge my shoulder lightly, and it's only now that I'm starting to feel the weight of my luggage as we walk to the boarding gate. _

_"I will. That's a promise," I say, laughing and leaning towards you a little. _

_And just like that, you shove something tiny in my hand. I open it, and see a small ring just big enough for my pinky finger. _

_"I didn't want it to be cheesy and 'gay'. It's just that rings are more symbolic of a promise. And I'm counting on you to keep that."_

_"Thank you."_

I wear the gold ring on a chain around my neck, like it's the key to my heart.

Your words, your gestures, I miss them. I miss those hands that would catch the ball and hold it. I wish those hands would hold mine. I wish those hands would catch me, because I've already fallen.

"Is that you?..."

I hear a faint whisper; maybe it's just me and my nostalgia.

"Oh maybe it isn't..."

I open my eyes slowly. And I turn my head.

I see...you.

With your orange headband and now spikier hair waving softly in the breeze. Wearing a white jacket rolled up at your sleeves. For a moment I can't recognize you-it seems as if you've changed. But the good kind of change.

And all the barriers I put up, all the fortresses I built to keep anything about you out of my mind vanish as I say your name for the first time in forever.

"Mark!"

It comes out like a sigh. A longing. A scream. A whisper.

Saying sorry.

Saying I missed you.

Begging you to make me stay.

You turn around. And your smile, oh god, how I missed it so much, spreads out into that wonderful grin.

"You really came back..."

You take a few steps closer, and I turn fully your way, leaning back a little on my hands on the grass and allowing myself to smile just this once.

"How did you recognize me?"

You point at my chest. Both of our eyes see the tiny gold ring dangling on the chain. I blush faintly; am I really that obvious?

"Besides," you add as you shove your hands in your pockets, staring down at your feet that kick the ground as if there is a soccer ball, "I'd recognize you anywhere. No matter what."

My heart stops. I forgot just how much your words, your gestures, how every little thing could affect me. You make me forget how to speak. I couldn't say the words that I wanted to back then as I walked away from you, because my voice was lost every time I was with you.

But I'm not making the same mistake.

I stand up, brushing my clothes off and standing upright, looking dead-straight into your warm brown eyes.

"Hey, it's been a while, hasn't it?" I begin, choosing the words carefully.

"Yeah. Is there something I'm missing out on?"

"I forgot to tell you something."

That was due ten years ago, I add in my head.

"Yeah?"

"I-" I begin, and take a deep breath, but just as I'm about to give away all my pride by blurting three simple words, the moment is ruined by a loud ring.

Both of us, startled, jump a little.

"I'm sorry," you say with a laugh, "I'll just take this call."

You turn away, and I wander off a few feet to give you some privacy. After that, I hear your phone click shut.

"Want to go to my place for dinner?" You shout a little as you jog up to me. I guess the moment can wait.

"Sure!" I beam back, walking a little closer. "About what I was saying...I-"

Again, I am interrupted as someone calls out your name.

"Mark!"

The caller, with hair a cross of hazel and ginger, walks up to us, smiling at you.

"Nelle! Hey," you say the last part as you turn to me, smile a thousand times more beautiful and eyes dazzling like never before when you put your arm around her. Something at the bottom of my stomach sinks, telling me that things are about to go downhill.

"Meet my wife, Nelle. Remember her? She was the manager of our club..."

You start trailing off, talking animatedly with a light in your eyes. A light I used to see only when you were with me, when you used to talk about your soccer dreams with me.

For the first time, I can't catch a single thing you're saying. My breath, hitching at the back of my throat, makes me turn a little pale and a little purple. Everything passes by so quickly because all I can think of is your last words. And it's not like all those other times when you joked about me coming late.

I was just too late.

And you couldn't wait for me.

Anger boils inside. But it quickly dissipates. I know that you never said anything. I know that I never said anything. I expected you to wait. Without telling you anything.

I gave you my heart. But it wasn't your responsibility. Now, I have no one to blame but myself.

The painful truth shocks me over and over again, like being in a pool of electric eels. I'm trying to swim back to the surface, before my prince is taken away, but I have no voice to tell you.

"...so...are you coming over?"

I twitch, shaking my head to regard you and your wife with unfocused eyes.

And I put on my best, million-dollar smile.

"Yes. Sorry for spacing out. Hi Nelle, it's nice to meet you again," I say politely, reaching out to shake her hand.

The only person I should be saying sorry to is myself.

Do you remember the sunset behind our backs as we played soccer until the night?

Do you remember the day you learned about your grandfather, the day when nothing was right?

Do you remember the day you almost lost yourself when you almost gave up?

Do you remember the days at the plaza, the days with the sunset behind our backs, wondering if it would be the last time?

Do you remember, Mark?

Because I do.

You made things clear. You drew a line. You never looked back. You left without saying goodbye.

And for once, I let myself think about you for a whole night. Without stopping my tears.

We're finally even.

But this time, I'm not making the same mistake.

Because I'd still like to believe that this isn't goodbye.

~Alex


End file.
